The science of this is really quite remarkable, because when that lack is triggered in some way, it’s activated. Maybe we’re in situations that have similar patterns or structures as our own upbringing or childhood. Maybe we are feeling left out in a work context, or there’s an estrangement with a relative. That underlying lack can get triggered and stirred up. Then the question is what to do about it.
You might be familiar with this material I’ve developed around the linking step. A standard practice, whether it’s in formal therapies or elsewhere, is to associate positive with negative. I’ve really taken that on steroids, to the max, because for me at least, the process of linking present time positive beneficial resource experiences of psychological nutrients that I need, connecting those to the underlying hole in the heart, has been absolutely tied for first place of the psychological methods I know. I’ve gotten very interested in it. You can read more about it in detail in my book Hardwiring Happiness and my Hardwiring Happiness Masterclass. If you decide to sign up for the Masterclass, use code substack10 for 10% off.
Tell the Truth About What Was There
Imagine and tell the truth to yourself. Gosh, what was present when I was growing up? My hardworking parents often did the best they could. What kind of psychological supplies came my way, pretty well, pretty reliably? And what, if anything that was important, was missing?
Pick One Thing
You might pick one thing that, wow, would have made a lot of difference if it had been more present when you were growing up. It would have made a big difference for me if I had been more included in groups of other kids, more of an insider rather than an endless outsider. That would have been wonderful.
And I was a factor in how that turned out, because children have agency. They have impacts on others. Doesn’t mean they have moral responsibility, but they have effects. In my own awkwardness and shyness, I was so uncomfortable around other kids that I just really stayed back. So I was part of the mix. Nonetheless, at the end of the day, what was missing?
In that totality of all the causes, and not blaming others, see clearly what’s something important for you that maybe was missing that then creates reactive patterns today.
Match the Supply to What Was Missing
Then you might imagine an experience that is matched to what was missing. Perhaps it’s already available to you. What was missing for me had to do with one of our three primary needs, the need for connection. We have two other primary needs, for safety and for satisfaction. These are broad umbrella terms. If we have a deficit, a lack of meeting our need for connection, fulfilling our need for safety or for satisfaction will be good, but it won’t address what’s missing. It’s not matched.
So for example, even though I had a hole in my heart in college, I pursued goals, I partied, I was successful as a student, I had opportunities for satisfaction. That was nice. But it did not fill the hole in my heart. I also got strong, I protected myself. I was assertive, I had safety, I was in a fairly safe setting, and still I had that hole in my heart. It wasn’t until I sought the nutrients that were matched to my need that I gradually filled that hole. Very often people look for resource experiences, psychological nutrients, that are not matched to what they really need.
If you have a need for safety, gratitude will not meet your need for safety. What meets the need for safety are qualities of inner calm, feeling strong, being cared about and protected by others, et cetera.
So, in your own case, thinking about this particular thing that was missing for you, what might you experience now that would be a kind of medicine or a supply, an experience that would match to what was missing? For example, if like me you felt really left out, might there be an opportunity here to feel like you’re part of a group? You belong here. Or perhaps as a child you felt pretty helpless. You were pushed around, maybe bullied, you didn’t have much sense of agency. These days, are there ways in which you are strong, you are potent, you are able to make things happen? Maybe you didn’t feel loved enough, maybe because you were not loved enough when you were young. Are there beings who love you today or have loved you? Or if all else fails, can you feel loving yourself?
