Differences are normal. That’s a foundational idea from Virginia Satir, the family therapist who worked with couples and families for decades. We have to manage differences, work with them. A difference of desire about how clean to keep the house. A difference about bedtime for the kids. A difference about what tone of voice is okay. My mom and dad differed on what TV they wanted to watch, so my dad, a mathematician, said, look honey, you can have the odd days, I’ll have the even days, and for a bonus, you get five extra days a year, for the months that have thirty-one days in them.
There’s a classic suggestion from the Buddha I’ve found personally to be one of the most useful things I’ve gotten from his teachings. Be aware of the gratification, the danger, and the escape. When you’re about to get into it with someone, be aware of the payoffs, what’s drawing you in that direction. Then be aware of the costs alongside the payoffs, the dangers, the cost to you, the cost to others. It’s tempting to pursue a righteous case. Anger itself has reward value, it releases dopamine and norepinephrine, it can feel rewarding, energizing. Anger, as the proverb puts it, with its honeyed tip and poisoned barb. So notice the gratification, then the cost, and then the escape. Turn to your practice. Slow it down. Move into mindfulness.
A subset of differences are boundaries specifically.
What I want to get into now is the actual practical list, five specific things you can do, starting with how to know in your own body that someone else’s reaction is theirs and not yours, all the way through to what it looks like to take real action on a boundary that isn’t working.
