Which of My Beliefs Are Making Me Suffer?
Four everyday places the mind gets stuck, and how to change your mind in each one.
Our minds are incredible. They are capable of abstract reasoning, vivid imagination, and deep insight. But the same mind can also get caught in ruts, playing out old familiar scripts and spinning out half-truths that we mistake for the truth. And when we act and feel as if these mental fictions were facts, we suffer.
The good news is that we do not have to take every thought at face value. We can take a step back, look at what we are believing, and change our mind about the beliefs that are not helping us.
Below I want to walk through four common places people get stuck, with a real example in each and some suggestions for changing your mind. Feel free to scan them and settle in on the one or two that feel closest to home.
If you would like to take this further, I go deep on exactly this in my course, Change Your Mind. As a reader here you can take 10% off with the code substack10.
When Someone Else Seems Like the Problem
We often project our own insecurities and frustrations onto other people, and build a story in which they are the source of our discomfort. Left alone, that story tends to strain the relationship and keep us circling in blame and resentment.
For example, you might believe that a colleague is deliberately trying to undermine you, because they are often critical of your work. Believe that, and every interaction gets tense, and it becomes hard to work together at all.
How to change your mind: try on some empathy, and consider other explanations for what they are doing. Maybe your colleague is under a lot of pressure themselves, and the criticism has more to do with their own worries than with your performance. Or maybe they are the kind of person who runs on constructive feedback, and in their own way they think they are being helpful to you. You do not have to know for sure. Just holding the possibility can soften how you come at the situation, and that usually makes for a healthier relationship.
When You Cannot Get Yourself to Do the Thing
A lack of motivation can quietly block us from the goals and the activities that are actually good for us. When we decide, deep down, that we do not have the energy or the ability to do something, we tend not to take action, which then seems to prove the belief.
For example, you might believe that you do not exercise regularly because you lack the discipline. That belief alone can keep a healthier way of living just out of reach.
How to change your mind: start with small, doable goals, and build from there. Get clear on the benefits, and on how the activity connects to what you actually care about. Then build a little routine around it, and find ways to make it enjoyable rather than a chore. You might begin with a short daily walk and slowly stretch the time. Notice your progress, and remind yourself of the good it is doing you. Where you can, spend time with people who are rooting for you. When you keep your attention on the good outcomes and make small, steady efforts, motivation tends to grow on its own.
When You Feel Not Enough
Feelings of inadequacy usually come from measuring ourselves against other people, and taking in standards that were never realistic to begin with. Those beliefs wear away at our self-esteem and keep us from recognizing our own worth.
For example, you might believe that you are not attractive enough, because you do not match the images of beauty you see in the media. Believe that, and it colors how you see yourself and how you feel day to day.
How to change your mind: practice some self-compassion, and remind yourself that every person has qualities that make them worth knowing. Rest your attention on what you do appreciate about yourself, and let a little gratitude for your own body and mind come through. Surround yourself, where you can, with influences that make room for difference and individuality. As you come to appreciate your own worth, the feeling of not being enough starts to lose its grip.
When You Hold Yourself Back
The fear of being judged or rejected can quiet our self-expression, until we are hiding our real selves. When we believe we have to fit ourselves to what others expect, we miss the plain joy of living as who we actually are.
For example, you might believe that you should not share your creative work, because someone might decide it is not good enough. Believe that, and the work stays in a drawer, and your talents stay with it.
How to change your mind: let yourself be a little vulnerable, and recognize that real self-expression asks for some courage. Your perspective is worth offering, and it is yours to give. Spend more time around people who welcome you being yourself. As you dare to show up as you are, you tend to find more fulfillment, and more real connection.
You Can Step Out of the Old Story
Our thoughts shape how reality looks to us, and untrue beliefs can cause a lot of unnecessary suffering. But we are not stuck with them. When we question the harmful ones and take up perspectives that are both more compassionate and more realistic, our relationships get easier, our goals get closer, and our sense of our own worth grows.
You can step out of old assumptions and attitudes. And you can step into more useful, more hopeful thoughts about yourself and other people. Not by pretending, but by looking honestly and choosing again. Moment by moment, that is how a mind gets changed.
If working with your own mind this way speaks to you, it is the heart of what I teach in my course, Change Your Mind. We slow down and really practice it, so that stepping out of an old story and into a truer one starts to become second nature, rather than something you only manage on your best days. As a reader here, you can take 10% off with the code substack10 at checkout.
The content in this article has been adapted from my spoken word.