There are five questions from Tibetan Buddhism that I’d like you to consider freshly, with beginner’s mind, even if you have heard them before. There’s no right answer, there’s just the answer that is real for you. If you can, be aware of both the conceptual, language-centered answer to each question, as well as what it feels like in your body to be you offering that answer.
Five Questions
Is it possible for you, in this life, to avoid illness? You can extend the meaning of the word illness to include things like injury, disability.
Is it possible for you to avoid aging? If your answer to that question is no, then you can open into the implications that arise for you.
Is it possible for you to avoid your own death? How do you feel about that one?
Is it possible for you to avoid being separated, one way or another, one time or another, from all that you love?
Is it possible for you to avoid inheriting the results of your deliberate actions?
How do you feel about that last one? I love the description from the hippie sixties, from Stephen Gaskin, of karma as hitting golf balls in the shower. Imagine a large tiled shower. For better or worse, some of those golf balls are beautiful and we inherit those results. Other golf balls, not so much, and we inherit those results as well.
What is it like to realize that, unavoidably, we will be dealing with the consequences of illness, aging, death, loss, and inheriting the results of our actions? How does that feel? It’s helped me, these reflections, especially the last one, to be a lot more thoughtful about paying attention to short-term gain and long-term pain. It doesn’t make you walk on eggshells. It also makes you ask yourself, what are the seeds that I am sowing today of future benefit, to myself and others?
Exposed in the Golden Wind
A Zen master, Yun Men, was asked, why is it that trees wither and leaves fall? He replied, body exposed in the golden wind. We live exposed in a golden wind, and one of the things we are exposed to is the losses of others, or losses of things, opportunities, doors closing. We cannot be present in this life with all of its beauties and all the gold and the winds without being exposed to the winds as well.
What the Buddha Told Ananda
There’s a story, probably a true story, from the early life of the Buddha. I’m paraphrasing. His companion, cousin and friend, Ananda, came to the Buddha and said that a dear friend of theirs, a very senior teacher in their gathering, Sariputta, had died. Ananda was very sad about this. And the Buddha essentially said to him, Ananda, what did you expect? I’ve taught about impermanence since the day you walked in the door. The Buddha was not angry. He wasn’t scolding Ananda, but he was bringing a little tough love. That may not be everybody’s cup of tea.
Then the Buddha continued. He said, Ananda, everything that’s subject to arising is subject to passing away. You cannot rely on it. It will change. What you can rely on is your own practice, what you do yourself in your practice. And he went on to remind Ananda of the four foundations of mindfulness and deep forms of practice.
I think what the Buddha said is true. In this life there will be losses, and knowing that fact helps us bear them. It doesn’t change them, but it allows us to bring wisdom. I think the Buddha’s right, too, that it’s important to pay attention to what is reliable, which most fundamentally is your own practice, rested in potentially some things that are eternal and unchanging, such as the unconditioned source or ground in which the universe, including us, is unfolding.
Grieving Is Normal
Grieving is normal. Given that we are all exposed to the golden wind, we will all face losses. Sadness is normal. I’ve cried deeply at the loss of a beloved cat, for example. It’s normal and it’s not a problem. In fact, if we suppress our sorrow, it gets kind of worse. It gets tangled up, a little rancid, pushed down there in the shadows. It’s important to allow a natural flow.
What I Wish the Buddha Had Said
Ananda came to the Buddha with an ordinary reaction, what the Buddha called the first dart. I wish the Buddha had said, Ananda, you’re in the middle of a first dart, it’s perfectly normal. Feel your loss of Sariputta, feel your love for him, feel the ways in which this is sad for you, and be mindful of all that. Be mindful of the body sensations of that. Witness your own mind stream while accepting it and allowing it, and bring some wisdom to it, including a sense of perspective about the inevitability of loss.
I wish the Buddha had done more of that, but he wasn’t a trained therapist.
The content in this article has been adapted from my spoken word.
If you’d like support with a loss of your own, I invite you to join my free webinar, Navigating Loss: A Webinar on Grief with Dr. Rick Hanson. I share three resources for coping with grief and three steps for processing a loss. Sign up to watch it for free.