There are two keys to transformation. These are also the two keys to having a happy marriage or long-term relationship of any kind, and the two to worldly success. In the Buddhist lineage they are referred to as sudden awakening and gradual cultivation.
Key One: Sudden Awakening
Sudden awakening begins with just a moment of understanding, insight. When you’re learning to drive a car with a stick shift, you realize that you need to keep the clutch in before you engage the gears and let it out slowly. Maybe in your relationship, you track the expression on someone’s face when you interrupt them. Aha. You realize that with that particular person, about that particular topic, in that particular kind of situation, don’t interrupt them. More skillful the next time. Light bulb, thought balloon, you realize something.
The range of sudden awakening comes from just a simple, ordinary idea. Even maybe just 1% of you whispering, the better angel of your nature in the background, sweetie, next time, don’t drink so much. Or, sweetie, it’s time to stop smoking. Or, sweetie, next time, leave for the appointment ten minutes early, so you don’t have to drive like a maniac to get there on time. Then gradually, you start listening to that part of you.
Or it can be all the way to really intense moments. I remember a moment with our daughter when she was maybe three or four, wanting it her way about putting on some sweatshirt, and I just got irritated. On the zero to ten adult scale of irritation, it was maybe a three, given how I grew up, where people could get pretty angry with each other. And I looked at the stricken, shocked expression on her face and I just got, no, can’t do that.
Key Two: Gradual Cultivation
Then there’s the question of how to implement that sudden awakening, in gradual cultivation that makes a difference over time. Here are three evidence-based practices that lead to stabilizing good change that lasts.
Arrange Your Environment
From a lot of research on habit formation, the first is to stack the odds in your favor by arranging your environment in ways that support the new way of being. If you’re trying to eat a little differently, don’t keep those foods in your cupboards. Don’t keep a lot of beer in the refrigerator. Set your alarm clock five minutes earlier so you can have ten minutes of meditation in the morning. Set out your clothes the night before. Start spending more time with some people, and maybe less time with others. There’s a place for adjusting the externals to create simple grooves in your life that draw you in the direction of your sudden awakening. Set yourself up to succeed. There’s tons of research on this.
Complex systems theory talks about dynamic systems, continually changing. What states are we attracted to? Let’s suppose we’ve been caught up in an old habit, and we’re trying to shift into a new one. These states of being are described as strange attractors, or basins of attraction. Imagine a flexible rubber sheet that contains all the possible states of being you could have. Some are represented as small, shallow divots. Others are broad but shallow. Some are narrow and deep, some are broad and deep. The broader it is, the more we tend to get sucked into it. The deeper it is, the more we tend to stay there, and it takes a lot of energy to get us out. So we don’t want the problematic basin to be so deep and so broad. In particular, we are trying to deepen and broaden other basins of attraction. Our environment naturally inclines us in a certain direction.
Take In the Experience
The second way is one I’ve developed a lot. If you’re seeking good change that’s durable, that you take with you, that is not dependent on external supports, so that even if the scaffolding is withdrawn you are still resting in the way of being you are seeking to develop, it’s extremely useful to deliberately internalize experiences of what you’re encouraging. Experiences of greater commitment to exercise, or of not interrupting your partner. Experiences of your own worth, of an underlying resilience, of skillfulness with other people.
Whatever it is you want to develop, you start with an experience of it. Then, using the evidence-based practices of positive neuroplasticity, you can increase the registration of that experience as a lasting change in the physical structures of your body, especially your nervous system. Keep the experience going. Keep the neurons firing together so they can wire together. Keep it going for a breath or longer. Feel it in your body, this new way of being. What does it feel like in your body? Sink into it as it sinks into your body. And be aware of what feels good about it, what’s rewarding or meaningful about it. Tracking the reward value of what you wish to grow inside will increase its consolidation in the neural nets of memory, particularly emotional memory, somatic memory, and motivational memory.
One breath at a time, many synapses at a time, through deliberately taking in the good, you can grow the good that lasts inside. Not just having an experience that then washes through you, but marinating in it, so it becomes a part of you.
Track It
The third way is through tracking. People don’t like to track. What you track tends to get better. So whether formally or informally, find some ways to track what you’re seeking to develop.
A simple way is at the end of the day, as you’re preparing for bed, to look back on the day and identify at least one moment or one way in which you were developing what you wish to strengthen in yourself and in your life. That’s tracking. Pretty informal. You could also have a daily checklist, even broken out into morning, afternoon, and evening. For example, if you’re trying to let go of self-criticism, separate from the inner critic and lean more into the good news about yourself, make a little check mark in the morning, the afternoon, and the evening each time you do that. Maybe after three days you get bored, but at least doing that in the beginning will move you in the right direction.
How many minutes a day are you in contemplative practice? That’s kind of eye-opening. How many minutes a day are you exercising? How many minutes a day are you interacting with your child, following their interests instead of your own agenda? How many minutes in a row are you listening to your partner without switching the topic to your topic? Tracking makes a huge difference.
If you’d like to learn how to take in the good so that change lasts, join me in the Hardwiring Happiness Masterclass and use code SUBSTACK10 for 10% off.
The content in this article has been adapted from my spoken word.