How to Truly Understand Someone
The Power of Everyday Empathy
Empathy strengthens relationships by helping us truly understand what others are feeling beneath the surface. With simple, science-backed practices, you can tune into the inner world of those around you—and create more connection, clarity, and care in your everyday life.
Imagine a world where people interact like ants or fish—responding to surface-level behaviors, utterly unaware of each other’s inner experiences. Picture a day at work or at home like that—aware of the people around you but oblivious to their inner life while they remain unmoved by your own. No real connection, no sense of being seen or felt.
That’s a world without empathy.
When empathy breaks down, relationships suffer. Think back to a time you felt misunderstood—or worse, when someone didn’t care to even try to understand you. It’s disorienting and painful. And for those who are especially vulnerable—like children or the elderly—a lack of empathy can be deeply distressing.
In my work as a therapist, I’ve seen again and again that poor empathy is often the core issue in struggling relationships or families. When empathy is missing, nothing good is likely to happen, and small challenges can feel insurmountable. But when it’s present, even the toughest issues can be resolved.
Empathy helps us feel what it’s like to be another person. Even when it’s subtle or unspoken, empathy sends the message: You matter to me. I see you. And that’s often what people most long to know—more than having their ideas accepted or their problems solved.
Empathy soothes, calms, and bridges divides. It gives us valuable insight into what others care about and what might be hurting underneath the surface, so we can work through issues more effectively.
How to Practice Empathy (In Just a Few Moments a Day)
This week, try dropping into small “empathy moments.” It doesn’t have to take long—just a few seconds of tuning into the inner worlds of the people around you.
And remember: empathy doesn’t mean agreement or approval. You can feel into someone’s experience even if you disagree with them, or even if they’ve upset you. Empathy isn’t about giving up your boundaries, waiving your rights, or fixing their problems. It’s simply about being present to what’s going on inside them.
The good news? Empathy is built into your brain. We’ve evolved systems that let us simulate others’ actions, emotions, and even thoughts. For instance, the same part of your brain that lights up when you feel an emotion—your insula—also activates when you see that emotion in someone else. You were born with the tools to be empathic.
So how do you use them?
First, center yourself.
If you’re too swept up in your own reactions, empathy becomes harder. Oddly enough, a little bit of healthy detachment—like the kind that lets you stay grounded—can actually increase your empathy. As Robert Frost put it, “Good fences make good neighbors.”Tune into their body.
Watch their posture, gestures, and breathing. Imagine what it would feel like to move your own body in that way.Feel into their emotions.
Look beyond the words, especially if they’re angry or defensive. What might be underneath that? Watch their eyes—the most expressive of any species on Earth. And check in with your gut. Sometimes your body knows what someone else is feeling before your brain catches up.Get curious about their thoughts and needs.
What might be going on in their mind? What are they hoping for or worried about? What matters most to them? Consider their past experiences—especially their history with you.Ask gentle questions.
Test your intuition. Try, “Were you feeling ____?” or “Did you want ____?” Keep it soft and respectful—not a cross-examination. And avoid slipping into persuasion. Right now, it’s not about your point of view.
Empathy is a kind of mindfulness practice—only this time, your attention is turned toward someone else’s inner world.
And when you’re the one who needs to feel seen, you’ll understand more deeply what it is you’re truly asking for.